144 Roy
I really love to see Beautiful Sunsets + Sunrises, it’s somethin that I missed being locked away on death Row for almost 30 long years, anyway, when you do see a very special Sunset or Sunrise, THINK OF ME :)
I have the ability to see a Rainbow, when some others are complaining or crying over rain :)
I really love to see Beautiful Sunsets + Sunrises, it’s somethin that I missed being locked away on death Row for almost 30 long years, anyway, when you do see a very special Sunset or Sunrise, THINK OF ME :)
I have the ability to see a Rainbow, when some others are complaining or crying over rain :)
|
142 Michael
Your love has made me its prisoner. There is no escape. But I knew that once I stepped into your life |
143 Roy
Find what truely matters, and free yourself from the rest. Now that’s invincibility. It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see |
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139 Michael
Do you treasure the games you play with my heart Where pleasure is found in disturbing my thoughts And pain is felt as each tear drowns my soul To blame myself for making my heart this black hole?? |
140 Michael
Much of the time when life tells me its lies My heart is inclined to believe my eyes |
141 Michael
I've tried lying to myself over and over "If I can just hold on, I will be free..." But the truth is like a hand constantly slapping my face... WAKE UP! OPEN YOUR EYES! CAN'T YOU SEE! YOU BELONG TO ME! |
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137 Michael
My Intent is not to cause you harm But to arm your mind that it may quiet the storm Spewing at me the hate which you do not understand Condemning me to a fate fully removed from God's hand These constant battles I fight searching for peace in society Has me now strapped down at the wrist as poison flows in them to silence me |
138 Michael
Honor is Law Trust is a Code Love is Bold Knowledge is Life Wisdom is the Future Respect is Strife Death is a Solution Peace is Understanding War is Tradition Betrayal is a Plague Greed is a Condition Suicide is Sin Survival is an Example You are a Question I am the ANSWER |
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135 Michael
Sometimes I try too hard Thinking that competing with self will reward That only the depths of my sould can acknowledge This is why my determined decision Seems to appear more and more like a mission Allowing my growth and development to be something scholastic While the balance of my life is man made and drastic There is no one but myself to blame Because throughout all the pleasure I've searched for the pain That can bring me closer to only knowing myself While others don't wish to know about me Just the means for my death... |
136 Michael
Predators have me marked as prey and prey they do before feasting upon me. Consuming my fears while digesting my will Eliminating any signs of hope my mind can muster leaving me the empty shell Pessimism can't even call home because everything about me is their choosing No matter how much I decry it as my own |
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133 Michael
Last night I had a dream which seemed both real and true Of a darkness lit by moonbeams that darkness appeared to me as you A you once filled with misery unable to let go of the past Where friendly faces were even a mystery that your heart wasn't allowed to grasp Last night I had a dream which seemed both real and true Of a maimed creature gently gasping its screams that creature reminded me of you A you afraid to trust again...your own desires But the need to open up is a risk that life requires Last night I had a dream that seemed both real and true In it you pushed me to the extreme of my own heart loving you A you rejecting my passion but wanting every degree of my hatred And allowing your emotions to fashion this bond which makes us sacred Last night I had a dream which seemed both real and true But I know not what it meant till I came face to face with you A you consumed by fears but reaching out to set me free As the puddles beneath my feet made of tears showed that you...was really me. |
134 Michael
The state wants to prove crime doesn't pay. They won't let injustice stand in their way. The have to convict someone of the crime. They really care not if its your life or mine. They do not worry if there is no evidence. They just ask the "judge" for the trial to commence. They can not afford to take any chances. And around the court, the "D.A." prances. The trial is not fair, everything is rigged. The whole "justice" system, truly is jigged. The judge reads the verdict, in just one breath. I am found guilty and sentenced to death. The State of Texas is being frill. They've found out they have the "right" to kill. I now sit and wait, here on death row. I know late some night, my life could go. I don't want the needle stuck in my arm. I could never ever cause anyone harm. Throughout the courts I put up a fight. Cause I want to avoid that dreadful night. Regardless of innocence, I'm to be killed with vengeance. So before I go Down this dreadful road I leave with you these few lines For now, I have run out of time. |
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131 Michael
This place I am in, is made of steel and stone And I feel so all alone. Only I know the pain I suffer inside, And the loneliness I feel, I cannot hide. It's all a game, between the weak and strong. And definitely a question of right and wrong. Sometimes the good suffer with the bad. All my friends tell of lost loves they've had. I search my memory, and search it deep And the good ones I have, I know I must keep. For they are the ones that give me hope. They give me the strength I need to cope. Daily I face problems, but I take them in stride. If anyone said it was easy, I promise you they lied. There is nothing easy about being here, Especially when your loved ones can't be near. There are many days and nights I find no rest. Often my pride is put to the test. This other world, in which I dwell, Can I be sure.....this isn't HELL? Because, if there is a hell, worse than this, I pray to God I am not on that list. I've learned my lesson, I've learned it well. I'm going to Heaven, cause I'm going through HELL! |
132 Michael
Peer through my eyes, look past my fears, Understand my cries, near steps that trace the tears Streaming through my mind where thoughts are poured But cannot find a face Less of caste because of twine And razorlines Crazed my souls maze A broken heart has made its slave scorned By voices and lost choices Mourned forever to be cherished As I perish for being born. Struggling for sanity I scream To master the madness my life has restrained Where dreams create sadness and bloodstained remains Of my friends of my foes And of my soul in the end marked for death Are my steps so through deep breaths I must transcend From the flames to plain Free from chains and misplaced blame Where all my pain will have no reign To be contained by my brain |
130 Michael
It's a Rose on Death Row
A stolen seed, lonely, planted in the blackest of dirt,
With no hope to grow,
Surrounded by weeds and St. Augestine grass to choke off any signs of life.
Faced with bleak cold days every day,
With only a few glimpses of sunshine to give some strength, the seed struggles to become.
But along comes a lil' rain, to shower down.
This seed.
Determination sets in.
So it drinks a drink called life.
The other seeds have given up hope.
They refuse to taste the true giver of freedom.
They'd rather be eaten by the birds,
Or choked by the wild grass instead of planting some roots and surviving.
Now this one small lonely seed has become the most breath-taking rose to behold.
It's beauty is beyond compare.
All because it hungered to be alive,
To give pleasure with it's fragrance and to add beauty and color to the world.
But only the most careful observer with a very
Keen eye can see this beautiful, rare, lovely, rose.
Because this rose is trapped in the
Midst of darkness, coldness, & cruelty,
Within the confines of...
It's a Rose on Death Row
A stolen seed, lonely, planted in the blackest of dirt,
With no hope to grow,
Surrounded by weeds and St. Augestine grass to choke off any signs of life.
Faced with bleak cold days every day,
With only a few glimpses of sunshine to give some strength, the seed struggles to become.
But along comes a lil' rain, to shower down.
This seed.
Determination sets in.
So it drinks a drink called life.
The other seeds have given up hope.
They refuse to taste the true giver of freedom.
They'd rather be eaten by the birds,
Or choked by the wild grass instead of planting some roots and surviving.
Now this one small lonely seed has become the most breath-taking rose to behold.
It's beauty is beyond compare.
All because it hungered to be alive,
To give pleasure with it's fragrance and to add beauty and color to the world.
But only the most careful observer with a very
Keen eye can see this beautiful, rare, lovely, rose.
Because this rose is trapped in the
Midst of darkness, coldness, & cruelty,
Within the confines of...
|
128 Ker'sean
Stand up to Injustice Stand up to injustice, and let it be know, You will not tolerate it, even from the king on his throne, Stand up to injustice for black, brown and white because you must realize this is all around fight Stand up to injustice for you and for me Cause one finger can be broken but a fist cannot easily be Fight this injustice whether a woman or a man Cause separated we fall but united we stand |
129 Michael
My future is gone like a flower in a storm My past seems changed like a drop in the ocean And now I am not sure if past and future matters But I hope tomorrow will bring some happiness and fun Or just a smile... A smile for tomorrow. |
127 Herminio
(A deep loneliness)
Early this morning, I awakened to this deep loneliness that welled up from inside of me...over taking me, from the deepest core of my being, such loneliness, filled with such despair, overwhelming me, sadness, enveloping me in its constructive grip, suffocating the very life out of me...
Anxiously, gasping for air, caught in its grip of panic, “Breath Herminio, BREATH HERMINIO!”, I heard a voice say, slowly realizing, that the sadness I felt was nothing new...but a feeling, that has always been ever present in my life...
Ever present...in my life. Only now am I reminded, that it would always be there.
Ever present, haunting me, in my life, on this road, path set out for me, my steps, taking me towards death, death, ever present, haunting me...caught in its constrictive grip, suffocating the very breath our of me...
A DEEP LONELINESS INSIDE OF ME...
(A deep loneliness)
Early this morning, I awakened to this deep loneliness that welled up from inside of me...over taking me, from the deepest core of my being, such loneliness, filled with such despair, overwhelming me, sadness, enveloping me in its constructive grip, suffocating the very life out of me...
Anxiously, gasping for air, caught in its grip of panic, “Breath Herminio, BREATH HERMINIO!”, I heard a voice say, slowly realizing, that the sadness I felt was nothing new...but a feeling, that has always been ever present in my life...
Ever present...in my life. Only now am I reminded, that it would always be there.
Ever present, haunting me, in my life, on this road, path set out for me, my steps, taking me towards death, death, ever present, haunting me...caught in its constrictive grip, suffocating the very breath our of me...
A DEEP LONELINESS INSIDE OF ME...
126 Herminio
(Oct.5.2013)
All seemed very quiet last night as I went through my nightly ritual before I laid myself to sleep... doing a very quick workout to get my blood flowing through my veins, making my heart labor and work a bit, feeling better after a while.
After a few moments, setting my 5 gallon bucket under the sink, so I may fill it with hot water, and birdbath myself before going to bed.
The whole experience of washing myself, using scented soap and body wash gel, fills my cage with such a nice fresh scent, cleaning up the water from the floor before finally rolling out my mattress and putting down freshly washed sheets...
This whole week hasn´t been feeling right to me?! For some reason, all my dreams have been about both my grandmothers, as well as my father. All three have passed on...
Filled with certain memories of events of my childhood, nostalgia, immediately comes to me...
I´m a child up the mountain pass looking back, watching as my grandma is shooing me back and away!!!
The meaning very clear to me... I´m just standing there as I experience my dream world darken in despair, around me and my A´ma. As I watch her slowly fade away, swallowed by the darkness over taking my world!
I hear a whistle blowing as from a distance, so far away. Like sound being carried by the wind, agitated wind whips at me, the sound getting louder, until finally AWAKENING to the blowing of a panic whistle – issued to the prison guards – followed by the blaring of the emergency alarm!!
Sitting straight up in bed trying to make sense of this madness taking place around me!!
Running feet stop around, and below my cage, 4 stories down, and to left, on the first tier... Cage 1 east block 18... A cold body found hanging, a man who decided to end his suffering by taking his life...
Was this why I was shooed away?!? It´s very hard to speak of such things, and admit to myself that I´ve become so damn close to death – as the tendrils of death somehow retaining a hold on me...
A chill of dread passes over me, visibly shaking me to my core!!
I listened to the cold body with a loud thud hit the ground!! It sounded very sick, a solid thunk was heard... in the now deathly loud quietness, that sound echoes on and off these walls...
Followed by a silly laughter – by guards, or prisoner?!? Shit, I don´t know?!? – Disturbing all the same...
Ol´Tim Russel, just like that is gone!! Is gone, leaving all that he was behind...Allowing him to move on...
(Oct.5.2013)
All seemed very quiet last night as I went through my nightly ritual before I laid myself to sleep... doing a very quick workout to get my blood flowing through my veins, making my heart labor and work a bit, feeling better after a while.
After a few moments, setting my 5 gallon bucket under the sink, so I may fill it with hot water, and birdbath myself before going to bed.
The whole experience of washing myself, using scented soap and body wash gel, fills my cage with such a nice fresh scent, cleaning up the water from the floor before finally rolling out my mattress and putting down freshly washed sheets...
This whole week hasn´t been feeling right to me?! For some reason, all my dreams have been about both my grandmothers, as well as my father. All three have passed on...
Filled with certain memories of events of my childhood, nostalgia, immediately comes to me...
I´m a child up the mountain pass looking back, watching as my grandma is shooing me back and away!!!
The meaning very clear to me... I´m just standing there as I experience my dream world darken in despair, around me and my A´ma. As I watch her slowly fade away, swallowed by the darkness over taking my world!
I hear a whistle blowing as from a distance, so far away. Like sound being carried by the wind, agitated wind whips at me, the sound getting louder, until finally AWAKENING to the blowing of a panic whistle – issued to the prison guards – followed by the blaring of the emergency alarm!!
Sitting straight up in bed trying to make sense of this madness taking place around me!!
Running feet stop around, and below my cage, 4 stories down, and to left, on the first tier... Cage 1 east block 18... A cold body found hanging, a man who decided to end his suffering by taking his life...
Was this why I was shooed away?!? It´s very hard to speak of such things, and admit to myself that I´ve become so damn close to death – as the tendrils of death somehow retaining a hold on me...
A chill of dread passes over me, visibly shaking me to my core!!
I listened to the cold body with a loud thud hit the ground!! It sounded very sick, a solid thunk was heard... in the now deathly loud quietness, that sound echoes on and off these walls...
Followed by a silly laughter – by guards, or prisoner?!? Shit, I don´t know?!? – Disturbing all the same...
Ol´Tim Russel, just like that is gone!! Is gone, leaving all that he was behind...Allowing him to move on...
125 Heminio
(The Dreamer)
For as long as I could remember as a child, I´ve always needed to cover my entire head and body with the blankets in order to sleep...
I guess that the weight of the blankets offered me a sense of security as a child growing up...
And so as that 10-11 year old kid held inside that juvenile detention/prison facility, it was only natural for me to seek comfort for myself “ANYWAY” possible!?!
I was also blessed with a very vivid imagination that made itself available to me in a smooth but non-intrusive manner that it went unnoticed by the child held in that cage for the majority of each day...
With nothing to engage, stimulate, teach, nor distract my still developing young mind...
It was only natural that such conditions, circumstances, and situation would give rise to the strengthening (manifestation) of the psychological aspects of the mind had come to the protection of the child within me...
My imagination became the only company I had in those first few days, with the security offered by the blanket covering my entire body, the loudness of the children yelling, screaming, banging-kicking of doors throughout the whole of the day – from sun-up to sun-down – became hard to ignore...
I could block out the vision of that dirty cage, (by covering myself entirely), and somehow the child´s simple thinking to block out the noise was to verbalize out loud the narrative of my imaginings!!!
Without realizing it... I was changing the circumstances, and conditions of the immediate environment inside my cage... creating what ever a child like myself desired most!!!
Under these appalling, and fucked up experiences, and finally coming to terms with the damage I suffered and didn´t / couldn´t understand why I felt so out of place dealing with the reality of my world...
I became delusional!!! And a bit anti-social, while adopting certain criminal behaviors, reactionary to authority, losing faith, in my own parents ability to protect me. Sadly, this manifested into major insecurities and real (and imagined) fears within me!!
Like a perfect storm, with all these variables whirling, chaotically, uncontrollable, causing added confusion inside of me, creating and developing the “DREAMER” within to manifest, and strengthen...allowing for my imaginations to vividly come alive!!
While this may have kept me from sinking into loneliness, keeping me company (in a state of delusion) where I created the mother, father, and siblings that the child in me so passionately desired for, as well as the small world he knew at his age... and having fun with the many possibilities such illusions, delusions create... Yet it also damaged me severely...
It created “EXPECTATIONS” inside of me, and major “DISAPPOINTMENT”, because I somehow lost my mental ability to recognize reality from delusion...and cope with these insecurities and fears...
In that delusional state, going to court, and being give over to a very grateful mother, and being held by that warm hand encompassing my little one...
Still believing that illusion (I created in that cage of loneliness) accompanying me... And unsuspecting walking into my parents home...
Immediately feeling a hard hit upon my head, shocked and confused at this attack, I saw my mother pick up a large leather belt, fold it in half, grabbing me by my puny arm, in which to hold me by, and she began to whip me with that belt!!!
I remember vividly, that the PAIN I felt at that moment wasn´t from the belt!! (I did not feel the pain of that belt!!) which left trails, and welts upon me, my painful quiet tears, were from the emotional pain that cut me deeply...confused, and for the first time in my young life, (and without realizing it), heart broken with no way of understanding all these raw emotions...
These rose another aspect within me! Easily slipping into that comforting state of delusion, -looking back- Automatically an illusion that catered to all these insecurities and fears slowly came to be...
The “DREAMER” within me, easily began to encompass my entire being...affecting every aspect of my personality and function and even my behavior... that went unnoticed, even after many warning signs from behavior suddenly exploding and affecting the reality around me...
Similar to a drowning mans death struggle, loudly splashing and kicking to stay afloat, Herminio, the child was sliding under the surface of the delusion, sliding deeply under, under the murkiness of delusion...
Slipping away, unnoticed, loudly were these signs of this drowning, actions manifested that affected the reality of this world...As HERMINIO was put to sleep, locked away, safe inside me...
As “I” adopted, created and built up the persona “SPANKIO LOCO”, delusional, irrational, and fearful, it was painful to witness and watch as “I” chased after death, and death chased after me...
Lost under layers, and decades of illusions, and delusional rational... who could have imagined that the child HERMINIO´s cage door would suddenly come open?!? Allowing him to rouse on up, and out from the murky depths, rising from that self-created cage...
“AWAKENING TO FIND MYSELF, CONDEMNED AND TO BE EXECUTED ON SAN QUENTIN´s DEATH ROW!!”
(The Dreamer)
For as long as I could remember as a child, I´ve always needed to cover my entire head and body with the blankets in order to sleep...
I guess that the weight of the blankets offered me a sense of security as a child growing up...
And so as that 10-11 year old kid held inside that juvenile detention/prison facility, it was only natural for me to seek comfort for myself “ANYWAY” possible!?!
I was also blessed with a very vivid imagination that made itself available to me in a smooth but non-intrusive manner that it went unnoticed by the child held in that cage for the majority of each day...
With nothing to engage, stimulate, teach, nor distract my still developing young mind...
It was only natural that such conditions, circumstances, and situation would give rise to the strengthening (manifestation) of the psychological aspects of the mind had come to the protection of the child within me...
My imagination became the only company I had in those first few days, with the security offered by the blanket covering my entire body, the loudness of the children yelling, screaming, banging-kicking of doors throughout the whole of the day – from sun-up to sun-down – became hard to ignore...
I could block out the vision of that dirty cage, (by covering myself entirely), and somehow the child´s simple thinking to block out the noise was to verbalize out loud the narrative of my imaginings!!!
Without realizing it... I was changing the circumstances, and conditions of the immediate environment inside my cage... creating what ever a child like myself desired most!!!
Under these appalling, and fucked up experiences, and finally coming to terms with the damage I suffered and didn´t / couldn´t understand why I felt so out of place dealing with the reality of my world...
I became delusional!!! And a bit anti-social, while adopting certain criminal behaviors, reactionary to authority, losing faith, in my own parents ability to protect me. Sadly, this manifested into major insecurities and real (and imagined) fears within me!!
Like a perfect storm, with all these variables whirling, chaotically, uncontrollable, causing added confusion inside of me, creating and developing the “DREAMER” within to manifest, and strengthen...allowing for my imaginations to vividly come alive!!
While this may have kept me from sinking into loneliness, keeping me company (in a state of delusion) where I created the mother, father, and siblings that the child in me so passionately desired for, as well as the small world he knew at his age... and having fun with the many possibilities such illusions, delusions create... Yet it also damaged me severely...
It created “EXPECTATIONS” inside of me, and major “DISAPPOINTMENT”, because I somehow lost my mental ability to recognize reality from delusion...and cope with these insecurities and fears...
In that delusional state, going to court, and being give over to a very grateful mother, and being held by that warm hand encompassing my little one...
Still believing that illusion (I created in that cage of loneliness) accompanying me... And unsuspecting walking into my parents home...
Immediately feeling a hard hit upon my head, shocked and confused at this attack, I saw my mother pick up a large leather belt, fold it in half, grabbing me by my puny arm, in which to hold me by, and she began to whip me with that belt!!!
I remember vividly, that the PAIN I felt at that moment wasn´t from the belt!! (I did not feel the pain of that belt!!) which left trails, and welts upon me, my painful quiet tears, were from the emotional pain that cut me deeply...confused, and for the first time in my young life, (and without realizing it), heart broken with no way of understanding all these raw emotions...
These rose another aspect within me! Easily slipping into that comforting state of delusion, -looking back- Automatically an illusion that catered to all these insecurities and fears slowly came to be...
The “DREAMER” within me, easily began to encompass my entire being...affecting every aspect of my personality and function and even my behavior... that went unnoticed, even after many warning signs from behavior suddenly exploding and affecting the reality around me...
Similar to a drowning mans death struggle, loudly splashing and kicking to stay afloat, Herminio, the child was sliding under the surface of the delusion, sliding deeply under, under the murkiness of delusion...
Slipping away, unnoticed, loudly were these signs of this drowning, actions manifested that affected the reality of this world...As HERMINIO was put to sleep, locked away, safe inside me...
As “I” adopted, created and built up the persona “SPANKIO LOCO”, delusional, irrational, and fearful, it was painful to witness and watch as “I” chased after death, and death chased after me...
Lost under layers, and decades of illusions, and delusional rational... who could have imagined that the child HERMINIO´s cage door would suddenly come open?!? Allowing him to rouse on up, and out from the murky depths, rising from that self-created cage...
“AWAKENING TO FIND MYSELF, CONDEMNED AND TO BE EXECUTED ON SAN QUENTIN´s DEATH ROW!!”
124 Herminio
(Child´s play (1))
The sounds of bouncing balls outside the window, awakens the child inside the cage. Like some tiny animal, curious, the child rouses from the warmth, safety, and security, that the moth eaten woolen blanket provides.
Child´s play...
Braving the chilliness of this cage, I rise, quickly and committed!! Standing upon the concrete slab that has become his bed, covering my nose and mouth with my t-shirt, so I may peek out the ugly window.
Child´s play...
Hearing the voices of kids arguing lightly over the ball and who will shoot the basket next! Straining to peek over the windows bottom still, and the metal tightly woven mesh screen...
Child´s play...
Trying to catch a glimpse of the kids behing the voices!! A familiarity in tone and voice initiates a primal urge to commune, associate, and interact with these kids...
Child´s play...
Outside my cage, the shapes of kids running back and forth, pull at me enticing me, not 3 feet away from me, playing in a rectangle enclosed court yard, older kids imprisoned here (like me) were playing basket-ball. In the cold chilly morning, t-shirt less...Damn, it was cold!!
Child´s play...
I became just another shadow, behind a frosted window inside this cage.
Child´s play...
Or so I believed!! Casting a shadow behind this glass where none should have ever been...caught the attention of... Old experienced eyes on a kid, missing nothing, noticing me...sending another just outside my window.
Child´s play...
“What´s your name, and where are you from, holmes?”, the kid jams me from the start!! Recognizing the lingo, as one I´m familiar with!
Child´s play...
Spoken with a strong Mexican accent, as I catch a quick look at dark brown eyes looking at me!?! As he repeats the question in Spanish again?!
Child´s play...
“I´m SPANKIO from THE McLAUGHLIN AVENUE area!!” Why, and who is asking?!”, came my instant reply, by rote, I knew what was expected of me!!!
Child´s play...
Watching as the older kid walked away from me, towards the kid that had sent him in the first place...I watch intensively, trying to read the movement of their bodies and facial expressions, trying to see if they were friends, or foes!!
Child´s play...
Noticing the zigzag of scars and neighborhood tattoos, crisscrossing their bodies – now that I noticed – on several of the kids!! Recognizing some of those markings, while others were both described to me, by neighborhood kids around my AVENUE...
Child´s play...
Kids who looked a lot like the ones on my street... Dawning comes to the face of that one, as he makes his way towards my ugly window...
Child´s play...
“HERMINIO?!” “What the hell are you here for?!”, the kid asked, surprise in his voice!!! Looking at him a bit confused, not recognizing him!?!?
Child´s play...
Seeing my reaction he calms my confusion, “It´s me, Gary “Maton” Martinez!!” I ´m from McLAUGHLIN AVENUE too!!
Child´s play...
Maton means Killer in Spanish and is 5 years older than me, he is well known around the neighborhood and feared in others as well, like an avalanche all my frustrations came to the surface...
Child´s play...
Wanting to be strong in this 11 year old body, the threatening sting of tears made everything blurred, I heard my voice crack, as I tried to explain what I didn´t know about, just wanting to be able to speak to someone!!
Child´s play...
So preoccupied was I that I didn´t notice the door to my cage being opened... “Hey, fucken Kid!?!? What the fuck are you doing?!” A big scary man yelled at me!!
Child´s play...
Alarmed and frightened by the shock and loud tone of that voice, I quickly turned around to face this threat, not knowing how to respond...I FUCKEN HATED BEING SCARED!!
Child´s play...
In just my underwear, cold, with goose bumps covering my little body. One hand holding a t-shirt covering half my face, while the other held up the underwear, two sizes too big!! ANGER unexpected rises within me!!!
Child´s play...
Recalling the vision of the child Herminio looking so fucken scared!!! I must of been a sight!! First lesson learned, no longer needing anything to cover my face...
Child´s play...
Masking my face, in control, pushing down this fear threatening to render me immobile, I fight it internally causing me to unconsciously grin... or was I grimacing from the effort to contain this fear?!?!?
Child´s play...
I forget, and no longer know... All my emotions are in confusion, and I suspect are even dead, or hidden away – I´ve sometimes awakened with a tear soaked pillow, and tears still in my eyes with no idea of why?!?!?
Child´s play...
I WAS CONSTANTLY SCARED OUT OF MY MIND!!
Child´s play...
Told to get dressed, handcuffed, and finally led out the cage, being escorted down this labyrinth of halls, as two grown men hold on to this tiny child arms...
Child´s play...
With my throat dried in fright, finally braving to speak, “Am I going to my house?”, I manage to speak, barely audible, even to my own ears...
Child´s play...
I´M THAT CHILD THAT BECAME LOST IN THIS...
Child´s play...
(Child´s play (1))
The sounds of bouncing balls outside the window, awakens the child inside the cage. Like some tiny animal, curious, the child rouses from the warmth, safety, and security, that the moth eaten woolen blanket provides.
Child´s play...
Braving the chilliness of this cage, I rise, quickly and committed!! Standing upon the concrete slab that has become his bed, covering my nose and mouth with my t-shirt, so I may peek out the ugly window.
Child´s play...
Hearing the voices of kids arguing lightly over the ball and who will shoot the basket next! Straining to peek over the windows bottom still, and the metal tightly woven mesh screen...
Child´s play...
Trying to catch a glimpse of the kids behing the voices!! A familiarity in tone and voice initiates a primal urge to commune, associate, and interact with these kids...
Child´s play...
Outside my cage, the shapes of kids running back and forth, pull at me enticing me, not 3 feet away from me, playing in a rectangle enclosed court yard, older kids imprisoned here (like me) were playing basket-ball. In the cold chilly morning, t-shirt less...Damn, it was cold!!
Child´s play...
I became just another shadow, behind a frosted window inside this cage.
Child´s play...
Or so I believed!! Casting a shadow behind this glass where none should have ever been...caught the attention of... Old experienced eyes on a kid, missing nothing, noticing me...sending another just outside my window.
Child´s play...
“What´s your name, and where are you from, holmes?”, the kid jams me from the start!! Recognizing the lingo, as one I´m familiar with!
Child´s play...
Spoken with a strong Mexican accent, as I catch a quick look at dark brown eyes looking at me!?! As he repeats the question in Spanish again?!
Child´s play...
“I´m SPANKIO from THE McLAUGHLIN AVENUE area!!” Why, and who is asking?!”, came my instant reply, by rote, I knew what was expected of me!!!
Child´s play...
Watching as the older kid walked away from me, towards the kid that had sent him in the first place...I watch intensively, trying to read the movement of their bodies and facial expressions, trying to see if they were friends, or foes!!
Child´s play...
Noticing the zigzag of scars and neighborhood tattoos, crisscrossing their bodies – now that I noticed – on several of the kids!! Recognizing some of those markings, while others were both described to me, by neighborhood kids around my AVENUE...
Child´s play...
Kids who looked a lot like the ones on my street... Dawning comes to the face of that one, as he makes his way towards my ugly window...
Child´s play...
“HERMINIO?!” “What the hell are you here for?!”, the kid asked, surprise in his voice!!! Looking at him a bit confused, not recognizing him!?!?
Child´s play...
Seeing my reaction he calms my confusion, “It´s me, Gary “Maton” Martinez!!” I ´m from McLAUGHLIN AVENUE too!!
Child´s play...
Maton means Killer in Spanish and is 5 years older than me, he is well known around the neighborhood and feared in others as well, like an avalanche all my frustrations came to the surface...
Child´s play...
Wanting to be strong in this 11 year old body, the threatening sting of tears made everything blurred, I heard my voice crack, as I tried to explain what I didn´t know about, just wanting to be able to speak to someone!!
Child´s play...
So preoccupied was I that I didn´t notice the door to my cage being opened... “Hey, fucken Kid!?!? What the fuck are you doing?!” A big scary man yelled at me!!
Child´s play...
Alarmed and frightened by the shock and loud tone of that voice, I quickly turned around to face this threat, not knowing how to respond...I FUCKEN HATED BEING SCARED!!
Child´s play...
In just my underwear, cold, with goose bumps covering my little body. One hand holding a t-shirt covering half my face, while the other held up the underwear, two sizes too big!! ANGER unexpected rises within me!!!
Child´s play...
Recalling the vision of the child Herminio looking so fucken scared!!! I must of been a sight!! First lesson learned, no longer needing anything to cover my face...
Child´s play...
Masking my face, in control, pushing down this fear threatening to render me immobile, I fight it internally causing me to unconsciously grin... or was I grimacing from the effort to contain this fear?!?!?
Child´s play...
I forget, and no longer know... All my emotions are in confusion, and I suspect are even dead, or hidden away – I´ve sometimes awakened with a tear soaked pillow, and tears still in my eyes with no idea of why?!?!?
Child´s play...
I WAS CONSTANTLY SCARED OUT OF MY MIND!!
Child´s play...
Told to get dressed, handcuffed, and finally led out the cage, being escorted down this labyrinth of halls, as two grown men hold on to this tiny child arms...
Child´s play...
With my throat dried in fright, finally braving to speak, “Am I going to my house?”, I manage to speak, barely audible, even to my own ears...
Child´s play...
I´M THAT CHILD THAT BECAME LOST IN THIS...
Child´s play...
123 Heminio
(Three Weeks passed...)
... Distracted remains the mind in the effort to comfort me, taking me away from the daily torture of this hopeless reality I´ve awakened to... How could I´ve strived towards this end? How could I´ve wished for this painful existence? And not be effected by the every day desire to rest?!
Eternal is the rest I want with all the might of my being... I desire to sleep for eternity, and give rest to the flayed soul/spirit within me... I wish for the suffering to maintain my existence to be lifted, unburdened!
It must of been painful to watch me come to this end?! Powerless to stop me from the nature of my own animalistic primal urge to fulfill the base instant self gratification, uncaring, irresponsibility!
That must of been hell!! Even now I´m unable to understand why I´m still existing here today?! Who do I keep waking up? I´m an empty shell of living flesh kept alive in this cage with the bare footprint of existence.
“CONDEMNATION”!! Shouts loudly from deep inside the center of my being... Its echo reverberates off all the dark corner of my being...
Awakening in a roar, the defiant part of me rises, comes to be out of the darkness...wading through the murkiness swamp of all the corruption, and destruction that my existence has brought about...weighed down by the ever present awareness of my sins, not giving in to the heaviness...
Pushing back –into that same darkness- the hopelessness that threatens to over run me, the constance voice inside me sweetly attempting to loll me into laying down...”Come Herminio, come and rest with me.” Sounding invitingly and promises of never ending rest for my soul...
“FUCK YOU !!”, rings loudly in that quietness of my mind, as this defiant urge rushes through me, the heat of my anger burns hotly through me!!
Allowing that heat to center within the mind, seething the life giving blood in my entire body agitatedly boils through and through, causing me to feel all the pains of my existence...
Welcoming it all embracing life like a drowning man, not wanting to be snuffed out by the ever present ignorant, lolling voice confronting me at my weakest moment...when that desire to rest tramples me down to my knees...
Today again I´ve survived the onslaught of my being, awakened in this hell to suffer another day of this cold reality that is my existence...
THREE WEEKS HAVE COME TO PASS...
(Three Weeks passed...)
... Distracted remains the mind in the effort to comfort me, taking me away from the daily torture of this hopeless reality I´ve awakened to... How could I´ve strived towards this end? How could I´ve wished for this painful existence? And not be effected by the every day desire to rest?!
Eternal is the rest I want with all the might of my being... I desire to sleep for eternity, and give rest to the flayed soul/spirit within me... I wish for the suffering to maintain my existence to be lifted, unburdened!
It must of been painful to watch me come to this end?! Powerless to stop me from the nature of my own animalistic primal urge to fulfill the base instant self gratification, uncaring, irresponsibility!
That must of been hell!! Even now I´m unable to understand why I´m still existing here today?! Who do I keep waking up? I´m an empty shell of living flesh kept alive in this cage with the bare footprint of existence.
“CONDEMNATION”!! Shouts loudly from deep inside the center of my being... Its echo reverberates off all the dark corner of my being...
Awakening in a roar, the defiant part of me rises, comes to be out of the darkness...wading through the murkiness swamp of all the corruption, and destruction that my existence has brought about...weighed down by the ever present awareness of my sins, not giving in to the heaviness...
Pushing back –into that same darkness- the hopelessness that threatens to over run me, the constance voice inside me sweetly attempting to loll me into laying down...”Come Herminio, come and rest with me.” Sounding invitingly and promises of never ending rest for my soul...
“FUCK YOU !!”, rings loudly in that quietness of my mind, as this defiant urge rushes through me, the heat of my anger burns hotly through me!!
Allowing that heat to center within the mind, seething the life giving blood in my entire body agitatedly boils through and through, causing me to feel all the pains of my existence...
Welcoming it all embracing life like a drowning man, not wanting to be snuffed out by the ever present ignorant, lolling voice confronting me at my weakest moment...when that desire to rest tramples me down to my knees...
Today again I´ve survived the onslaught of my being, awakened in this hell to suffer another day of this cold reality that is my existence...
THREE WEEKS HAVE COME TO PASS...
122 Herminio
The child awoke inside a concrete cage, locked in by a solid heavy wood door, with a small rectangle shaped shatter proof glass window…
A toilet, backed up, plugged up and foul... dirty sink... And a concrete raised slab for a bed.
A thick ¼ inch in diameter thick intertwined mesh screen covering the window...
Funny how as I think of it?! I couldn´t understand why the mesh screen was on the inside, and the frosted tempered glass was on the outside ?!...
That intertwined mesh screen might as well have been a solid metal slab... So tightly meshed together that even my little child fingers couldn’t fit between the opening!
Not that I would want to, after having a better look, and catching a whiff of the stench off that screen as a gust of wind passes by outside...
Urine, feces, spoiling food, spit, and dried up lugies painted over such a mess completed my cage...
Wanting to look outside to get my bearings of where I am, finally braving the stench, pressing within a inch of this foulness, covering my nose and mouth with my t-shirt, and taking a look outside!!
Recognition hits me hard!! I know this area!! I recognize the street... And this building holding this labyrinth of halls, deep in the bowels of hell... the caged child lost!
A built up sanitized illusion, this building is. Hiding and removing from sight all the unpleasant and undesired features, to make more acceptable what takes place. Outside appearance hiding the caged child inside.
The elite of the city law makers walking past out side, unaware, blind, or feinting ignorance at the occurrences hidden within?!?
I can´t help but to think now that my innocence is gone... How could they not know that they were creating a demon within me?!
If they would have been able to see me at that moment, standing in the mesh covered window I was learning my first lesson... How to cover and hide my face... to all that offends my senses!!!
The child awoke inside a concrete cage, locked in by a solid heavy wood door, with a small rectangle shaped shatter proof glass window…
A toilet, backed up, plugged up and foul... dirty sink... And a concrete raised slab for a bed.
A thick ¼ inch in diameter thick intertwined mesh screen covering the window...
Funny how as I think of it?! I couldn´t understand why the mesh screen was on the inside, and the frosted tempered glass was on the outside ?!...
That intertwined mesh screen might as well have been a solid metal slab... So tightly meshed together that even my little child fingers couldn’t fit between the opening!
Not that I would want to, after having a better look, and catching a whiff of the stench off that screen as a gust of wind passes by outside...
Urine, feces, spoiling food, spit, and dried up lugies painted over such a mess completed my cage...
Wanting to look outside to get my bearings of where I am, finally braving the stench, pressing within a inch of this foulness, covering my nose and mouth with my t-shirt, and taking a look outside!!
Recognition hits me hard!! I know this area!! I recognize the street... And this building holding this labyrinth of halls, deep in the bowels of hell... the caged child lost!
A built up sanitized illusion, this building is. Hiding and removing from sight all the unpleasant and undesired features, to make more acceptable what takes place. Outside appearance hiding the caged child inside.
The elite of the city law makers walking past out side, unaware, blind, or feinting ignorance at the occurrences hidden within?!?
I can´t help but to think now that my innocence is gone... How could they not know that they were creating a demon within me?!
If they would have been able to see me at that moment, standing in the mesh covered window I was learning my first lesson... How to cover and hide my face... to all that offends my senses!!!
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120 Eugene
(NIGGER'S RESPONSE TO A BLACK MAN'S DEATH) Pow! Rifle bullet to the head Pow! Shot that King nigger dead Pow! White boy lurking somewhere's about Pow! Took that Evern nigger out Pow! Shotgun slug to the chest Pow! Laid Malcolm's ass to rest Pow! Fool as nigger shudda stayed quiet Pow! Didn't think justice could be denied Pow! Nigger dead now and cannot see Pow! That '44 is '63 Pow! Things don't change in the U.S.A. Pow! Not for us Nigger, anyway |
121 Eugene
Roses are Red, Violets are blue, Yeah I know you have heard that line before So I will not go there with you. But I want you to know that even though we recently met I really like you and appreciate you too We are from different upbringings and environments I feel a real connection with you someone I can talk too and that’s really cool I already consider you as a friend and trust me I don’t use the words friend lightly I’m confortable with you, I feel I can be myself with you and trust you So yes you are my friend |
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118 Eugene
(IN YOU EYE'S) Your heart light shines, There're an humanitarian spirit, A soul divine Prefect in no way, And vulnerable I say There's bleeding wounds, From having dared loved So courageous, you are, Yet meek as a dove, With skeletons in your closet. As do all of the living, Afraid to be discovered, By the unforgiving, Because people can be cruel, When they don't understand, They condemn off hand … But trusting in me, Your eyes confide, Holding nothing, Telling no lies, Then suddenly I was startled, At my own reflection, Your eyes mirrored My imperfection, So who was I looking at? Who did I really see? Was it you? Or was it me? Or am I you? And you are me? |
119 Eugene
(Death Row) The bars are blue and walls are white. I set here in this cell with yet nothing else to do again tonight! Red bricks and steel gray fence, - that all I can see when I look out the window … I hear of birds sing. a man laughter or even a scream. Guard in gray some are black, come white, they are part of who took my freedom away. - this place I am at where grass nor flowers grow, a human slaughter house, - they call Death Row! I've did some crimes, and I've did a few, But now they want to take my life for a crime I didn't do! They call it justice, but they mean just us poor and there's quite a few Feeling helpless, come times hopeless too, -- I don't know what more to do - Wanting to cry at times evening wanting to die ... Struggling to keep my sanity, desiring to be free! The State murdering us the poor and there quite a few And they call it justice but they mean just us, -- poor and there's quite a few. And there's nothing I can do! |
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116 Eugene
"GOOD BYE" Saying goodbye is never easy But moving on We all must do Going on with our lives Not just talking about it But seeing it through Move on, My love, Move on, And live, You have, Much more to give Now it's time I must go It's not easy to say good bye But it's time So I say good bye Know my love for you is true And as long as you live, My love will be with you |
117 Eugene
You are my best friend Because you feel so much like home to me …. That feeling that someone cares: that feeling of welcome that the sight of home Always brings. With you as my friend, I can always know sunshine more than my troubles. You turn my sadness That I can accept … And when I'm feeling happy … and wanting to share, everything that is wonderful to me You are there …. Ready to listen |
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113 Eugene
As I wake up naked laying beside you I smile, kiss your cheek, remembering what we did last night Remembering your kisses, caresses The music of your moans The passion we shared You opened your eyes and begin to smile too I know you were remembering last night too |
114 Eugene
As long as I have a want, I have a reason for living. Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects The only certainty is that nothing is certain. Life can only be understood backwards But it must be lived forward Persistence; take care to get what you like Or you will be forced to like what you get You gain strength, courage and confidence By every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face You are able to say to yourself, “I lived through this horror, I can take the next thing that comes along.” You must do the things you think you can not do |
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111 Eugene
The hills of life are steps to climb When burdened with defeat Broken hearted, broken dreams Like shattered glass Lay at my feet I know you can´t have sunshine without the rain. I try to climb this steep hill No one feel my pain My strength have faded At times, I feel my hope is gone. I can´t give up, I won´t accept defeat I can´t give up, I´ll never quit. |
112 Eugene
As a child I had no dreams As a young man trying to figure out what to be I ended up being sent to the penitentiary Without no love and support I struggled to make the best of life But no one seemed to give me a chance God knows I am telling the truth How I ended up on Death Row I have no cue But I know I did not murder the person A jury judged me guilty for The justice system is a joke And it damn sure don´t work If you can afford a lawyer You have a chance But if you are broke You are shit out of luck |
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109 Eugene
I couldn´t see you today So I sent you my thoughts! Living and vibrant they speed through the air. Out through the ether, through miles and through time. I hope you received them and knew it was there! I couldn´t see you today So I sent you my love, It travelled through space like a bright shooting star! With the joy of the morning, the warmth of the sun, To wrap itself around you, wherever you are. I couldn´t see you today, So I sent out a prayer, For I knew you were troubled and heavy of heart, And so with my thoughts and my love and my prayers Though distance divides us, we´re never apart Keep faith and hope within your heart Though trials come your way, We all must face them sometimes It could be now, today. Just do your best and carry on. For what will be...will be... And with friends to help you You´ll stay on course, you´ll see! |
110 Eugene
Being a good friend is really an art It´s a wonderful talent that comes from the heart It´s knowing the kind things to do and say Like listening and talking a problem away It´s laughing and sharing and being together In bad times and glad times and in all kind of weather Yes, being a friend is really an art. It´s a talent that comes from a kind loving heart |
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107 Raphael
Look ! Look at this heart of mines Pulsating with passion ! It pulsates with life, with love, with sincerity Take it. Feel it. Hold it in your hand It beats in the rhythm from our motherland Created from the earth by God above It pounds and beats with the purest love |
108 Eugene
Have you walked in the shoes Of the person you judge, Have you shared their most Intimate thoughts, Have you known of the tears, The doubts and the fears, Or the battle that person Has fought? Have you shared in the secrets That lie in the heart, When they don't understand, They condemn off hand But trusting in me, Your eyes confide, Holding nothing, Telling no lies, Then suddenly I was startled, At my own reflection, Your eyes mirrored My imperfection, So, who was I looking at? Who did I really see? Was it you? Or was it me? Or am I you? And you are me ? |
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106 Richard
I am not giving up! I am fighting until the end, until there is no room to fight. I am hurting inside, it´s tearing me apart, but I will not give up! I am fighting until the end, until there is no room to fight. All these years of suffering, I will not put to waste. The pain I feel is real, I feel it everyday. It bleeds inside of me, I shed tears for my loved ones. I think of them and I hurt. I hurt because they should not be feeling this way because of me. I am the one who got sentenced to death, not them! But Love, the REAL love, the UNCONDITIONAL love is what keeps us together! If my loved ones want to hurt with me and die with me. I will let them share this pain with me! But I am not giving up. I am fighting until the end, until there is no room to fight... |
105 Frank
Behind prison walls, the convict prays for better days Recalls his season in the sun when this life begun Spring first spread his wings so much to be seen Summer morn the rebel born between right and wrong he was torn One autumn day he went away Winter breeze upon his knee, God hear my plea A torrent of time amass the years Spring, summer, fall, winter, life´s final call Beyond prison walls, freedom calls |
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104 Frank
Dreamt of a dark horizon, a storm upon the sea Rains of sadness caress the waves Winds of sorrow blow clouds of misery Fountain claps of thunder pierce the air rolling with despair Lighting strikes end the night Awoke to a rising sun, a new day has begun, troubles on the run Sadness, sorrow, misery, despair vanish in the air |
103 Frank
Wayward son, you make your momma´s heart come undone On your quest for the sun, always on the run Wayward one, your heart´s so numb Wayward son, momma´s always there, your burden she will bear Wayward one, although momma´s hair is gray She´ll always cherish the day your life begun What a joy her baby boy Wayward son, toys were so much fun with the gun Use to play with balls, now you´re behind prison walls Still she calls wayward son, not my only one Wayward son, my favorite one Till the end of time, you´ll be mine Someday we´ll part, I´ll remain in your heart Pray for a new start, apple of my eye We´ll meet in the bye and bye At Heaven´s gate, I´ll await Wayward one, momma knows your fate Wayward son, the fortunate one For the joy to be her baby boy Momma, you´re the one, love your wayward son |
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102 Lain
Where can one find true beauty If one does not know where to look How many fleeting second chances does each man need How many broken hearts, promises, or hopes At what break in the path, did we get so lost When does “being a man” mean bring others down Instead I plead for you to encourage Find yourself in this beautiful prison of hope Every moment my heart inches closer or farther away Each choice is mine only to make Where can one find faith If one does not have a rock to stand on How often must we seek help to stand back up How many evil deeds, sins, or transgressions At what break in the path, did we get so lost When does “being a man” mean not being faithful Instead I plead for you to love with all your might And find yourself in this beautiful prison of hope |
101 Tavares FL
Lyrical vernacular of a forsaken populace begging to be heard serenade the power elite who deliberately ignore. Why endure this hypocrisy disguised as a democracy when the reality is that no ruling class has ever given up it’s power to those it considers more enlightened. Fringed between patriot and anarchist, I ponder the morality of this reality and ask myself if a person does in fact become neurotic because he cannot tolerate the amount of frustration which society imposes on him in the service of it’s cultural ideals. In my dreams I am free from the rhetorical speeches of professional orators, and soar to a richly intertwined multidimensional labyrinth of a complex universe. Forms in the abstract diverge in vein of the optic nerve and reveal a colorful display of a kaleidoscopic florescence. But sleep is only temporary and reality awaits the moment I awake and again I am embraced with a hardcore honesty that inspires another poetic expression. Desperate to overcome the circumstances of the here and now, I’ll continue to sing aloud - the song of the destitute ! |
